Moving On

Letting Go and Embracing Endings 💫

I cannot believe it's been 2 years since I even attempted to write anything. Truth is, I don't think I had the bandwidth and I know that all of you can relate. But, on this first day of Jupiter in Gemini, I'm organically being inspired to reconnect through writing.

Boundaries

About 3 years ago, I hit rock bottom mentally, emotionally and physically. At the time, I had a friend who had come on island to stay while she was moving here. I was working at the crystal shop at the time and just felt like things were on hold and nothing was happening. I was drinking alot to manage my monkey mind and ground into my body. I was overwhelmed, internalizing personal issues and sick and tired of paying off debt just to accrue more and felt trapped because of my monetary situation. I was not in a healthy space to actually collaborate as much as the idea sounded good to me.

About a month after she was living here, I hit my threshold. I am an Orchestrator/Projector in Human Design so I require a lot of alone and downtime. Having personal space is essential to my wellbeing. This personality type picks up on all thoughts and energies and honestly, because of this, it's the one type that benefits from sleeping separately from a partner because we pick up on everything, even when we sleep. Because my friend was staying here, I had no alone space anywhere at all. She was staying in our loft which is my meditation/work area and personal practice room. I had no place to hide except the bathroom which is not practical for obvious reasons and I had no ability to just wake up and sit in silence for an hour before having to engage. With all the other internal pressures, I was at capacity.

It was on a Tuesday morning (and I remember this clearly because it was during my friend Giselle's weekly Patreon class) as I was sitting out on my lanai with my headphones on with my husband in the living room right next to me and my friend walking around that I just short circuited. It was internal but it was just my limit. I got online, booked a room at Volcanoes National Park and then proceeded to take my earphones out and tell my husband and my friend that I was heading out for a few days because I HAD to have space.

My husband had developed a light friendship with her husband during an earlier visit and he had privately told him that if my friend began to overstay her welcome or wasn't actively looking to move, that my husband should just text him and he would help to lovingly navigate my friend to find a place without hurting her feelings. My husband, out of loving support for me, reached out to him. I went off to Volcanoes and within a week, she had found a place to live and we began moving her over the next few weeks.

Fast forward to about 6 months later and she became very distant. She invited me over for dinner and said that her husband had told her about the conversation with my husband all those months earlier and that she was upset. By this time I was working at a bank because I am a fucking glutton for punishment so I was even more depleted and stressed even worse than before. I completely owned it and tried to explain that I was at one of the lowest places in my life and that she seemed to not even be able to pick up on my distress and mental unwellness. I had no intention of hurting her but I just wasn't able to deal with anything other than my own survival at that time. My husband saw my suffering and it was out of love and compassion for me that he contacted her husband. I know I was definitely NOT a good friend during that time. I was not capable of taking care of myself let alone be an equal partner in a friendship. She moved back to the mainland and to her husband within a month.

Why Am I Sharing This?

I've held shame around the situation for 3 years now and just this week realized how much I'm allowing the scenario to play over and over in my head and that in doing so, I have been blocking my ability to forgive myself and move on. I'm also feeding the thoughtform and inadvertently reattaching cords every time I do so. She has moved on. It's without me in her life, but she has moved on, and I am truly happy for her. She's thriving and in fact, she and a friend visited the island last year without me even knowing at the time. Again, I can understand why, but the neglected little girl in me wants to ask mommy what I've done to not be worthy of love and forgiveness. Obviously, she is not my mother but it is definitely time for me to move on. To permanently let go and make space for all that mental BS playing over again and again in my head and allow for the joy, empowerment, and creativity that is my true self to replace it.

I feel deep within my soul that someone else can benefit from my share. Sometimes, all it takes is "miraculously" running across an article to provide validation and light a spark of inspiration to ignite change.

This past week, I read an article about how we view and interact in relationships over the course of time has shifted and that it's healthy to consider some of our relationships have an expiration date. It gives us permission to evaluate what is and isn't working anymore and to let grace move in and dissolve the ties that are no longer in alignment. It's an invitation to forgiveness. Mostly for ourselves. In my personal case, I was doing the best I could with what I was capable of at the time. Now I need to let that shit go.

Sometimes, it just takes us writing something out or talking about it with a friend to gain the right perspective on what is real and what isn't. At the end of the day, if it's us who is reliving the story over and over again, then WE are the ones to blame for our own suffering. I personally, am done with suffering over this anymore.

Now what?

Feel free to share in the comments something or someone you need to let go of that is taking up WAY too much space in your mind. We don't have to continue to carry a burden and it's not worth the expense of our health and creativity and most importantly, our happiness. How can you let go, forgive a repetitive relationship story going on in your mind? What do you want to replace this prime real estate space with instead? For me, I am letting my writing and creativity flow back into my life. I'm going to focus on the relationships that DO nourish me and that I give a fair exchange back. I am ready for this new Jupiter cycle and may it heal all of our communications and catapult our expansion into the future with high vibrational, mutually supportive connections.

Please share your stories in the comments. Thank you for allowing me this indulgence and for your patience if you read all of this. I'm truly grateful.